To comfort someone over text, say you are sorry it is happening, show you understand what it is, and tell them you are there. Do not try to fix it, cheer them up or explain it. Offer one concrete thing if you can, and make it clear they do not have to reply. Three or four honest lines do more than a long message.
You will worry about saying the wrong thing. The message that hurts is nearly always the one that was never sent.
What a comforting text does
- Names what happened. "I heard about your job" or "that sounds like an awful day". It shows you are talking about their thing, not sending a general kind thought.
- Lets it be bad. "That's really hard" is enough. You do not need to find the bright side.
- Says you are there, and how. "I'm around tonight if you want to talk" is better than "let me know if you need anything", which gives them a job to do.
- Takes the pressure off. "No need to answer" means they can read it and put the phone down.
If you can do something practical, offer that one thing: food, a lift, company, taking the kids for an hour.
Examples by situation
Use their name and the real details. These are shapes, not scripts.
A rough day
That sounds like a horrible day, I'm sorry. Do you want to vent or do you want distracting? I can do either.
Ugh. You didn't deserve that. I'm free after 6 if you want to call and be angry about it.
A breakup
I'm so sorry, Bex. I know how much he meant to you. You don't have to be OK about it. I'm here, and I can come over with food tonight if you'd like company.
No advice, just thinking about you. Text me at any hour, I mean it.
Bad news about a job, an exam or money
I'm gutted for you. You worked so hard for that. It doesn't say anything about how good you are. Want to get out of the house tomorrow?
That's a rubbish way to find out, I'm sorry. No need to reply. I'll ring you at the weekend.
Illness, or waiting for results
Thinking of you today. Waiting is the worst part. I'll keep my phone on, and I'm happy to drive you on Thursday if that helps.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have the right words, but I'm here and I'm not going anywhere.
A death
Say you are sorry and, if you knew the person, one true thing about them. What to say when someone dies has more wording, and there is a separate page for when someone loses a pet.
I'm so sorry about your dad. He was always so kind to me. You don't need to reply. I'm thinking of you all and I'll check in later this week.
Anxious or overwhelmed
That sounds like a lot to carry at once. You don't have to sort it all tonight. What's the one thing that would make tomorrow easier? I can help with that bit.
I'm here. Breathe. Do you want me to call, or stay on text?
Your partner
I'm sorry today was so hard, love. I'll be home by 7. I'll do dinner and you can tell me all of it or none of it.
When you are not sure what is wrong
You seemed a bit quiet today. No pressure to explain. I just wanted you to know I noticed and I'm around.
When they reply
Now your job is mostly to listen. By text, that means short replies that show you read what they wrote.
- Ask what they need. "Do you want ideas, or do you just want me to listen?" saves you from giving advice nobody asked for.
- Say back what you heard. "So she told you in front of everyone. No wonder you're upset."
- Ask one gentle question at a time. "What happened after that?"
- Do not rush to your own story. "The same thing happened to me" can wait, or be left out.
That makes sense. Anyone would feel that way.
I'm still here. Take your time.
If it turns into a long or tangled conversation, offer to call. Tone is hard to read on a screen, and a voice does more than a paragraph.
When they do not reply
Silence is not a sign you said the wrong thing. People who are upset often cannot face their phone. Leave it a day or two, then check in without asking for anything.
No need to answer this. Just checking in. Still thinking about you.
Dropping a lasagne on your step at 6. Don't come to the door.
Keep doing that, lightly, over the following weeks. Support is loud in the first few days and then goes quiet, and the later messages are the ones people remember.
What not to say
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| Everything happens for a reason. | I'm so sorry this happened. |
| At least you still have... | That's a real loss. |
| I know exactly how you feel. | I can't imagine, but I'm here. |
| Stay strong. | You don't have to hold it together with me. |
| Let me know if you need anything. | I'm at the shop. What can I bring you? |
| You'll find someone better. | You're allowed to miss them. |
| Cheer up, it could be worse. | That sounds really hard. |
Also leave out questions about the details, advice they did not ask for, and anything that makes them look after your feelings, such as "I've been so worried, why didn't you tell me?".
When a text is not enough
A text is a good first step and a good way to stay in touch. For the big things, follow it with a call or a visit. And if someone says they might hurt themselves, or you think they are in danger, do not try to handle it by message. Call them, stay with them if you can, and contact local emergency services or a crisis line.
Doing it with Hemmingway
If you know what happened and cannot find the words, the encouragement message generator can write a first draft. Tell it who the person is to you, what has happened and anything real you can offer, such as a lift or a call tonight. It uses only what you tell it, so it will not add a promise you did not make.
Read it as if it had landed on your own phone, change whatever does not sound like you, and send it yourself. A model does not know your friend, and it can sound sure while being wrong. It is help with wording, not a stand-in for you, and not a crisis service. There is a free trial with no card needed.
Try HemmingwayDownload the app
Common questions
What do you say to comfort someone over text?
Say you are sorry, name what happened, and tell them you are there: "I'm so sorry about today. That sounds really hard. I'm around tonight if you want to talk, and no need to reply." Do not try to fix it or find the bright side.
What do you text someone who is going through a hard time?
Keep it short and specific to them. Say you are thinking of them, offer one concrete thing such as a call, a meal or a lift, and take away the pressure to answer. Then check in again a few days later.
How do you comfort someone who is crying over text?
Tell them you are there and that it is OK to be upset, then offer to call: "I'm here. Take your time. Do you want me to ring you?" Keep your messages short and do not ask them to explain everything straight away.
How do you comfort your girlfriend or boyfriend over text?
Say you are sorry they are having a hard time, ask whether they want to talk or be distracted, and say when you will next be with them or can call. One practical offer, like bringing dinner, helps more than advice.
What should you not say to someone who is upset?
Avoid "everything happens for a reason", "at least", "I know exactly how you feel" and "stay strong". They play down what the person is feeling. Also avoid advice they have not asked for.
What if I say the wrong thing?
A clumsy kind message is better than silence. If something came out wrong, say so simply: "That came out badly, sorry. What I meant is that I care and I'm here." People remember that you got in touch.