When someone dies, say "I'm so sorry", say the name of the person who died, and then listen. That is nearly all of it. You cannot make the loss smaller, and nobody expects you to. What the person grieving will remember is that you came, or wrote, or said something, and did not look away.
Fear of saying the wrong thing keeps kind people silent. A short, plain sentence said awkwardly is better than silence.
Words that are always right
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry about Michael.
I don't know what to say. I'm just so sorry.
I loved her too.
Use the name of the person who died. It shows you are not afraid of the subject. And use the family's own words: if they say "died", say "died". If they say "passed away", follow them.
In person
Keep the first thing short, then stop talking. The pause that follows is theirs to fill or not.
I'm so sorry about your dad. I don't have the right words. I just wanted to come round.
I heard about Lena. I'm so sorry. Would you like company, or would you rather be on your own today? Either is fine.
Then follow their lead. If they want to tell you how it happened, listen to all of it, even if you have heard it before. If they want to talk about the football, talk about the football. If they cry, do not hurry to stop it.
Take as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere.
If you cry too, that is fine. If there is a silence, let it be one. You are not there to cheer them up.
If you have a memory of the person, it is worth more than any sympathy:
I keep thinking about the time he fixed my bike and wouldn't take a penny. He was like that with everyone, wasn't he?
By text
Send it as soon as you hear. Do not wait for better words. Make it something they do not have to answer.
Just heard about your mum. I'm so sorry. Don't reply to this. I'll ring at the weekend.
I'm so sorry, Callum. I loved your brother. Thinking of all of you tonight.
To someone you do not know well:
I was very sorry to hear about your wife. I'm thinking of you.
A text is a start. Follow it with a call, a visit or a card. For the written side, see what to write in a sympathy card and how to write a condolence message.
At the funeral or the wake
You will have a few seconds with the family. They are meeting a great many people and may not place you, so say who you are first.
I'm Bridget. I worked with Joe at the depot. I'm so sorry. He made every night shift bearable.
I'm so sorry. She talked about you all the time, you know.
That was a lovely service. He would have liked the music.
If you did not know the person who died:
I never met your mum, but I know you, and I wanted to be here.
Do not ask how it happened, and do not keep them long. If you have a longer story about the person, write it down and send it the week after. A story they have not heard before is one of the best things you can give.
If you have been asked to speak, there is a guide on how to write a eulogy.
At work
When a colleague comes back, say it once, privately, in the first day or two. Then treat them as you always did, and let them decide how much to talk.
I was so sorry to hear about your mum. You don't have to talk about it. I just didn't want to say nothing.
If you manage them, say what is true about time off and cover, and promise nothing you cannot deliver.
For different losses
- After a long illness. They may feel relief and grief together. They can say "it was a release". You cannot. Try: "I know how hard this last year has been. I'm so sorry."
- A sudden death. Shock comes first. "I can't believe it. I'm so sorry" is honest, and it is enough.
- A husband, wife or partner. Never mention meeting someone else. Say the name, and keep inviting them to things.
- A baby, a miscarriage or a child. Nothing that starts with "at least". If the baby had a name, use it: "I'm so sorry about Nadia. I'm thinking of her, and of you both."
- A death by suicide. Say what you would say for any death. Do not ask why, or whether there were signs. "I'm so sorry. I loved him. You don't have to explain anything to me."
- Someone very old. Ninety-four years does not make it hurt less. Leave out "she had a good innings" and say "I'm sorry. I know how close you were."
- Someone they found difficult. Do not assume what they feel. "I heard about your father. I'm thinking of you" leaves room for anything.
What not to say
| Instead of | Try | Why |
|---|---|---|
| "He's in a better place" | "I'm so sorry he's gone" | They want him here. Say it only if you know they believe it |
| "Everything happens for a reason" | "This is so unfair" | No reason makes it better |
| "At least she didn't suffer" | "I'm glad you were with her" | "At least" asks them to feel grateful |
| "I know exactly how you feel" | "I can't imagine how this is for you" | Every loss is its own |
| "You're being so strong" | "You don't have to hold it together with me" | It asks them to keep performing |
| "Let me know if you need anything" | "I'm bringing dinner on Thursday" | They will not ask |
| "How are you?" | "How are you today?" | The big question has no answer. Today has one |
| "You'll meet someone", "You can try again" | Nothing of the kind | People are not replaced |
In the weeks and months after
The cards stop after a few weeks, and the grief does not. This is when a message means the most. Note the dates: the birthday, the wedding anniversary, the first Christmas, a year on.
Thinking of you today. I know it would have been her birthday.
I walked past the allotments and thought of your dad and his runner beans. How are you doing this week?
Keep inviting them, and make it easy to say no. Keep saying the name.
If you said the wrong thing
Everyone does at some point. Say so, briefly, and carry on being there.
I've been thinking about what I said on Monday. It came out wrong, and I'm sorry. I'm here whenever you want to talk.
Finding the words with Hemmingway
What you say in person should come from you, and the lines above are enough. For the text or the card you send afterwards, the condolence message generator can help you start. Tell it who you are writing to, who has died, and one true memory or a real offer if you have one. It works only from what you tell it. Read the result, change anything that does not sound like you, and send it yourself. There is a free trial with no card needed.
Try HemmingwayDownload the app
If you are the one grieving, a writing tool is not a substitute for talking to someone.
Common questions
What is the best thing to say when someone dies?
"I'm so sorry", followed by the name of the person who died and, if you have one, a short memory of them. Then listen. You do not need to explain the loss or make it better.
What should you not say when someone dies?
Avoid anything that explains the death or finds a bright side: "everything happens for a reason", "they're in a better place", "at least". Avoid telling them how to feel, comparing it with a loss of your own, and offers so vague that they have to do the asking.
What do you say to the family at a funeral?
Say who you are and how you knew the person, say you are sorry, and give one small memory if you have one. "I worked with Joe for ten years. I'm so sorry. He was the kindest man on the shift." Keep it brief, because others are waiting.
Is it all right to text when someone dies?
Yes. Send a short text as soon as you hear, and tell them not to reply. For someone close, follow it with a call, a visit or a card in the days after.
What can you say instead of "sorry for your loss"?
"I'm so sorry about" followed by their name is warmer, because it is about one person and not a loss in general. "I've been thinking about you" and "I loved him too" also work. "Sorry for your loss" is still far better than saying nothing.