How to write a eulogy

A eulogy is a short speech, usually three to five minutes, that tells the people in the room who this person was. Say who you are, give a few plain facts about their life, share two or three memories that show what they were like, say what they meant to you, and say goodbye. It does not need to cover everything, and it does not need to be beautifully written. If it sounds like them, and like you, it is right.

If you are writing this in the days after a death, you are doing a hard thing while tired. This page keeps it simple.

Before you write

Three questions, to whoever is arranging the funeral:

• How long do I have? Services often run to a timetable. Three to five minutes is usual.
• Is anyone else speaking? If so, agree who covers what. One person might talk about the family, another about work or friends.
• Is there anything the family wants said, or left unsaid?

A simple structure

1. Who you are. One or two sentences. Not everyone there will know you.
2. Their life, briefly. Under a minute. Where they grew up, the work they did, the people they loved. You do not need every date. The order of service often has them.
3. Two or three memories. This is most of the eulogy, two or three minutes. Small, particular moments that show what they were like.
4. What they gave you. A few sentences on what you learned from them, or what you will carry with you.
5. Goodbye. One or two sentences. You can speak to them directly, or thank everyone for coming.

That is about 500 to 650 words, or two typed pages in large print.

Finding what to say

You do not have to do this alone. Ask three people for one memory each: a relative, a friend, someone they worked with. People are glad to be asked, and the stories they send are often ones you have never heard.

Then sit with some photographs and write short answers to these:

• What did they always say?
• When you picture them, where are they and what are they doing?
• What was their kitchen like, or their car, or their shed?
• What were they stubborn about?
• What were they quietly proud of?
• What did they do for other people without mentioning it?
• What made them laugh?

Choose the small details over the large statements. "He was generous" tells the room very little. "Nobody ever left his house without a bag of tomatoes" tells them who he was.

If they were funny, the eulogy can be funny. Laughter at a funeral is a relief, and it is a way of saying that everyone there knew the same person.

Try to choose memories that different people in the room will recognise. The family knew one side of them, and their friends and colleagues knew others.

An example

Owen is speaking about his mother, Helen.

The opening:

I'm Owen, Helen's son. Mum would have told me to stand up straight and get on with it, so I will.

A memory:

Mum taught at the same primary school for twenty-six years. She could not walk through town without a grown adult stopping her to say, "Mrs Walsh, you taught me to read." She remembered every one of them. She usually remembered their handwriting as well.
At home she had less patience. She did the crossword in pen, and she did not want help.

The close:

She never locked the back door. It was open to anyone who needed a cup of tea and ten minutes at her table, and over the years that was a lot of us.
Thank you, Mum. We'll keep the kettle on.

It is short and plain. It has her voice in the first line, her work and her home in the middle, and a goodbye that comes from something she did.

If it was complicated

Not everyone was easy to love, and not every relationship was close. You do not have to pretend otherwise, and a funeral is not the place to settle it. Choose what is both true and kind. A line like this is honest without being harsh:

Dad was not an easy man, and he would have been the first to say so. He was also the person who drove me to every swimming gala for nine years and never once complained about the time.

If you cannot find words you believe, it is all right to give a shorter eulogy, or to ask someone else to speak.

What to leave out

• The whole life in order. A list of dates and jobs is a record. People came to remember a person.
• The details of how they died, unless the family wants them said.
• Telling people how to feel. "She is in a better place" comforts some and hurts others. Say it only if you know the room shares the belief.
• Private matters and old arguments.
• Words you would never use. If you would not say "departed", say "died". Plain words are kinder than they sound.
• An apology for not being a good speaker. Nobody is judging you.

Reading it on the day

• Write out every word. Grief makes memory unreliable. Do not rely on notes.
• Print it in large type, with space between the lines, and number the pages.
• Read it aloud at home, more than once. The first time through is the hardest, and it is better for that to happen in your kitchen.
• Give a second copy to someone you trust. Tell them, and whoever is leading the service, that they may need to take over. Knowing they can makes it less likely you will need them to.
• Go slowly. When your voice breaks, stop, breathe and wait. Nobody minds, and nobody is in a hurry.
• Have water nearby.
• You do not need to look up. Reading from the page is fine.

If on the day you cannot do it, let someone else read your words. They are still yours.

Writing it with Hemmingway

When you have the memories but cannot find the sentences, the eulogy generator can turn your notes into a first draft. Give it their name, who they were to you, a few facts about their life and the memories you want to include, in whatever rough form you have them. It is told to use only what you give it, so it will not invent a story about them.

Read the draft slowly and change anything that does not sound like them or like you. Check every name, date and place with the family, because a model can get a detail wrong and sound sure of it. If writing it yourself feels right, do that. The structure above is enough.

If you are not giving the eulogy and are wondering what to say to the family, see what to say when someone dies, how to write a condolence message or what to write in a sympathy card.

Try HemmingwayDownload the app

Common questions

How long should a eulogy be?

Three to five minutes is usual, which is about 500 to 650 words read slowly. Ask whoever is arranging the service how long you have. A short eulogy that is true is better than a long one that tries to cover everything.

How do you start a eulogy?

Say your name and how you knew the person, in one or two sentences. Then you can go straight to a memory, or to a line that sounds like them. You do not need a quotation or a formal welcome.

What should you not say in a eulogy?

Leave out family disputes, private matters, the details of the death and anything that would embarrass or hurt the people listening. Avoid telling mourners how they should feel. If you are unsure about something, ask a close family member first.

Is it OK to be funny in a eulogy?

Yes, if the person was funny or the story is a fond one. Gentle humour helps people remember them as they were. Keep it kind, and keep it to stories the family would be happy to hear aloud.

What if I cry while giving a eulogy?

Stop, breathe and carry on when you can. Everyone there understands. It helps to have read it aloud several times beforehand, and to have given a copy to someone who can step in if you need them to.

Who gives the eulogy at a funeral?

Anyone the family chooses: a child, a partner, a brother or sister, a close friend, or the person leading the service. Sometimes two or three people each speak briefly. There is no rule that it must be the closest relative.