In a sympathy card, write that you are sorry, add one true line about the person who died or about what they meant to the person you are writing to, and close without asking for anything. Three or four handwritten sentences are enough. If you never met the person who died, write to the one who is grieving and keep it to two lines.
Below: a formula that fits inside a card, examples for a close friend, a coworker, family and someone you barely know, how to sign off, and what to leave out.
A formula that fits in a card
- Their name. "Dear Helen," or just "Helen,".
- Sorry, with the name of the person who died. "I'm so sorry about Frank" is warmer than "sorry for your loss".
- One true line. A memory, something you liked about them, or what you saw between the two of them.
- A closing that asks for nothing. "Thinking of you" is enough. No questions.
- Your name, and who you are. Families get cards from people they have never met. "Alan's old shift partner at the depot" tells them where you fit.
Write it on scrap paper first. A card holds about four sentences in ordinary handwriting, and a draft saves crossing out.
To a close friend
Write the way you talk to them. You can say you do not know what to say. A light memory is fine if they would smile at it.
Marcus, I'm so sorry about your dad. He taught half our street to ride a bike, me included, and he never let me forget that I cried. I love you. I'll ring on Sunday, and you don't have to pick up.
I don't have the right words, Nadia, so here are the true ones: your mum was the kindest person in any room, and you are just like her. I'm here this week, and in the months after.
Bea, I keep thinking about Rob's laugh at your wedding, the one that set the whole table off. I'm so sorry. I'm walking the dog on Saturday morning. Leave the lead by the door.
To a coworker
Warm and brief. Leave work out of it unless you are taking something off their plate.
Dear Gareth, I was so sorry to hear about your mother. You spoke about her often, and always with a smile. Thinking of you and your family.
Irene, I'm very sorry about your husband. Please don't give this place a thought. I've taken the Friday reports, and they stay taken until you want them back.
To a manager, write the same way and use the name you use at work:
Dear Karin, I was very sorry to hear that your father has died. My thoughts are with you and your family.
On a card the whole team signs, one line each is right. Read what is already there and write something different.
So sorry, Gareth. Thinking of you.
She sounded wonderful. I'm so sorry.
Holding you in my thoughts this week.
We miss you here. Take all the time you need.
To family
You share the loss, so "we" is fine, and so is a memory only the family would know.
Auntie Joan, I'm so sorry about Uncle Ted. Every Christmas he let us win at cards and pretended to be furious. We will all miss him. I'll come up the weekend after the funeral and stay as long as you like.
Dear Callum, I can't believe Gran is gone. She kept every drawing we ever gave her in that biscuit tin. I'm glad we had her as long as we did, and I'm glad I have you. See you Friday.
I know we've not spoken much this year. I'm so sorry about Dee. She was good to all of us. I'm here if you want me there.
For in-laws and relatives you rarely see, go a little more formal:
Dear Margaret, we were so sad to hear about Bill. He made us welcome from the very first visit. With love from both of us.
To someone you barely know
A neighbour, a friend's parent, the family of someone you worked with. Say how you knew the person, or admit that you did not, and stop after two or three lines.
Dear Mrs Okafor, I live at number 14, and your husband always stopped to talk when I was in the garden. I was very sorry to hear that he had died. With sympathy, Ruth Penney.
Dear Mr and Mrs Hale, I worked with Simon for six years. He was the first to help anyone who was stuck, and the office is quieter without him. I'm so sorry.
Dear Dev, I never met your father, but I know how close you were. I'm so sorry. Thinking of you.
When a child has died
Say less. Do not try to make sense of it, and never begin a sentence with "at least". Use the child's name.
There are no words for this. We loved Maisie, and we love you. We are here.
I'm so sorry about Jonah. I won't pretend to understand. I'm thinking of you every day.
For a miscarriage or a stillbirth, send the card. Use the baby's name if the parents have given one.
I'm so sorry about your baby. She was loved already. Thinking of you both.
If they are religious
Write about faith only if you know they share it, and use the words of their faith, not yours. If you are unsure, leave it out.
We are praying for you all, and giving thanks for Ted's long life.
How to sign off
| Closing | Suits |
|---|---|
| With love | Close friends and family |
| With love and sympathy | Friends, relatives, people you are fond of |
| Thinking of you | Anyone |
| With deepest sympathy | Anyone, and the safe formal choice |
| With sympathy | Work, neighbours, people you barely know |
"Best wishes", "all the best" and "take care" belong in other cards. Here they read as cheerful.
What to leave out of the card
- How they died. No details, and no questions about it.
- Get-well phrases. "Hope you feel better soon" and "chin up" treat grief as something to get over.
- Your own losses, at length. One clause at most.
- Anything private. Cards stand on a shelf and get passed round the family. Old quarrels and secrets stay out.
- A promise you will not keep. Offer one real thing, or nothing.
- Your name alone. If the card has a printed verse, still add two lines by hand. A bare signature reads as duty.
The phrases that hurt, and why, are covered in how to write a condolence message.
A card that is late
Send it. One clause about the lateness is enough.
I only heard about Pauline last week. I'm so sorry, and sorry this is late. She was a lovely woman.
Doing it with Hemmingway
If the words will not come, the condolence message generator gives you a first version. Tell it who the card is for, who has died, a memory or something true about them, and anything you can offer. It uses only what you tell it, so the memory has to be yours. Read the result, change whatever you would not say, and copy it into the card in your own handwriting. For someone very close, write it yourself from the start.
If you will see them in person first, there is a guide to what to say when someone dies, and another for when someone loses a pet.
Try HemmingwayDownload the app
Common questions
How long should a sympathy card message be?
Three or four sentences, or two lines if you did not know the person who died. One true line about the person is worth more than a full page.
What do you write in a sympathy card when you didn't know the person who died?
Write to the person who is grieving. Say you are sorry, say you know how much the person meant to them, and close with "thinking of you". Do not invent a memory or praise someone you never met.
How do you sign a sympathy card?
"With love" for close friends and family, "with deepest sympathy" or "thinking of you" for anyone else. Add your surname, or a few words on how you knew the person who died, if the family may not know who you are.
What do you write in a sympathy card from the office?
If everyone signs one card, each person writes one line and their name, such as "So sorry, thinking of you." If one person writes for the team, say that everyone is thinking of them and that their work is covered.
Is it too late to send a sympathy card?
No. A card that arrives weeks or months later is still welcome, and it often comes when the others have stopped. Say in one clause that you are late, then write what you would have written.