How to write wedding vows

Wedding vows are short: one to two minutes, or 150 to 250 words. Start with your partner's name and one true, specific thing about them. Tell a small story or give a detail that shows why you are standing there. Make three to five promises you can keep. End with one line about the life ahead. You are speaking to one person. The guests are only overhearing.

Agree three things with your partner first

Keep the words a surprise. Agree these, so that one of you does not read a sonnet while the other reads four lines.

• Length. Pick a number: "about a minute and a half each" or "under 200 words".
• Tone. Mostly serious with one light moment, or properly funny, or very simple. You do not have to match, but you should not be miles apart.
• How private. Whether anything is off limits in front of both families.

Then ask whoever is marrying you where personal vows fit. Many ceremonies have set words that must be said, and your own vows go before or after them. Some religious services do not include personal vows at all, in which case you can say them at the meal or privately that morning.

The structure

1. Their name, and one true thing. (One or two sentences.) A moment, a habit, or the instant you knew. Something specific.
2. What they have changed. (Two or three sentences.) What is different about your life, or about you, because of them. One small story does this better than a statement.
3. The promises. (Three to five, a sentence each.) This is the part that makes it a vow.
4. The line forward. (One or two sentences.) What you are looking forward to, or simply that you love them.

Half the words should be in the promises. The rest sets them up.

Finding what to say

Give yourself twenty minutes, a pen, and no one in the room. Answer as many of these as you can, in scraps:

• When did you know? Where were you standing?
• What do they do that nobody else sees?
• What did you stop being afraid of after you met them?
• What is an ordinary Tuesday evening like with them?
• When did they look after you? What did they actually do?
• What do you argue about, and how does it end?
• What do they need from you on a bad day?
• What are you bad at, that they put up with?

You will use a small part of it. The ordinary answers are often the best ones. A detail about how they make tea says more than a sentence about destiny.

Writing the promises

A good promise is something you could be seen doing. Compare "I promise to always support you" with "I promise to read every draft, even the ones you say are terrible". The second is a picture, and it could only be about one person.

Mix the sizes:

• One for every day. "I promise to leave you the last of the coffee."
• One that admits a fault. "I promise to stop checking the map when you are the one driving."
• One for the bad days. "When you are ill, I promise to bring soup and keep my advice to myself."
• One big one. "I promise to choose you, every year, on purpose."

Avoid promises no person can keep. "I will never be angry with you" is broken within the month. "I promise to come and find you after an argument" is a vow you can keep.

A full example

These are about 150 words and take a little over a minute to say.

Anna, the first time I came to your flat, you made me a cup of tea, carried it into the next room and drank it yourself without noticing. I knew then that I wanted to be around for the rest of it.
Before you, good news was something I kept to myself. Now it doesn't count until you've heard it.
I promise to listen to the whole story, even when I think I know how it ends.
I promise to say sorry first when I'm the one who's wrong, and sometimes when I'm not.
I promise to make the tea from now on, and to keep an eye on mine.
I promise that on the hard days I will be on your side, in the room, going nowhere.
I love you. I can't wait to be married to you, starting in about two minutes.

The cup of tea is a real detail, and it comes back as a promise. The second line says what changed. Two promises are serious, one admits a fault and one is small and daily. The last line looks ahead and lets the room breathe out.

What to leave out

• Jokes only the two of you understand. One is fine if you explain it in half a sentence. Five shuts out the guests.
• A list of adjectives. "Kind, funny, beautiful and clever" could be anyone. One detail could only be them.
• Borrowed lines. Vows copied from a film or a website sound borrowed, because they are. If you love a quotation, use one line and say whose it is.
• "Soulmate", "my rock", "my other half". Say what they do, in plain words.
• Anything too private. If a grandparent would wince, save it for later.
• The story of your whole relationship. That belongs in a speech at the meal. The guide to writing a wedding speech covers that.
• "Always" and "never", used more than once.

If what you want to say runs to a page and a half, you have written something else. Put the long version in a love letter for the morning of the wedding, and keep the vows short.

Saying them

• Write them on a card. Not a phone: the screen locks, and it shows in every photograph. Small cards fit in a jacket pocket or can be handed to you.
• Give a spare copy to the person marrying you, in case yours is left in the car.
• Practise aloud, alone, five or six times. The aim is to get past the point where your voice cracks on the second line.
• Learn the first sentence and the last by heart, so you can say them looking at your partner and read the middle.
• Speak more slowly and more loudly than feels natural. You are talking to one person, but the back row wants to hear. If there is a microphone, ask beforehand who will hold it.
• Look up for each promise. Read the line, look up, say it.
• If you cry, wait. Nobody minds.

Writing them with Hemmingway

The wedding vows generator drafts vows from your notes. Give it your partner's name, the details and moments you wrote down above, the promises you want to make, the length you agreed and the tone. It is told to use only what you give it, so everything in the draft comes from you.

Then change it until every line is one you would say. Your partner knows your voice better than anyone.

Try HemmingwayDownload the app

Common questions

How long should wedding vows be?

One to two minutes each, which is about 150 to 250 words. Agree a length with your partner beforehand so that the two sets are roughly even. Shorter vows, said slowly, are easier to hear and easier to remember.

How do you start wedding vows?

Say your partner's name, then one true and specific thing: the moment you knew, a habit of theirs, or something they did for you. Starting with a detail only you would know tells everyone these words were written for one person.

How many promises should wedding vows have?

Three to five. Fewer can feel thin, and more start to sound like a list. Mix a small everyday promise with a serious one, and make sure each is something you can really do.

Should wedding vows be funny or serious?

Mostly serious, with one or two light moments if that is how the two of you are. A joke in the middle relaxes the room. Begin and end with the lines you mean most.

Should we read each other's vows before the wedding?

No need. Agree the length, the tone and anything that is off limits, and keep the words themselves a surprise. If you are worried about a mismatch, ask a friend or the person marrying you to read both and say whether they fit together.

Do I have to memorise my wedding vows?

No. Reading from a small card is normal and much safer than relying on memory in front of a crowd. Learn only the first and last lines, so you can say those while looking at your partner.